Inferior, Infertile, Imbecile

Me, Me, Husband.  Yep, all I’s.  So Clomid didn’t work last month & those side effects are rough: insomnia, psychological warfare, anxiety, consumed with worry and overthinking, and on edge.

Actually I refrain. I can’t blame the Clomid for everything.  But the side effects are dreadfull.  With the Nor’Easters last week, we lost power for DAYS and then when the power came back on there was a water main break.  It was dreadful then to boot my kindergarten teacher passed away.  So it was a whirlwind of a weekend the first few days of March.

Inferior

Yep, that’s me: inferior.  My body is not working the way it should, it isn’t even responding to medicine the way it should.  If hating your body wasn’t enough, then to know it didn’t respond to the medicine it should is annoying too.  The feeling of the eggs leaving to just literally LEAVE your body and become wasted is frustrating, painful, and above all else depressing.

Not to mention the psychological warfare that goes on in my mind every damn day.  Your body hates you.  Your husband doesn’t want you, he wants someone better.  You’re disappointing your daughter, she sees everyone else has a brother or sister and look at you, you’re worthless.  Talk about feeling like you’re a schizophrenic, those thoughts are almost palpable.   Since I work in the field, I know I can fight the urges to listen but it’s terrible to deal with.  The hardest part is having a trooper for a husband who has his cop mentality on even when he’s off.  Sometimes I can’t handle this mentality and I always envisioned it being worse when he’d be wearing his uniform but when his hat comes off, I really need his mentality to shut off.  It’s difficult to try to talk it out only to have your husband almost degrade you by saying I love you, you’re beautiful. Well thanks dude, my mind on the other hand is focusing on weight gain, hormone levels, our child hating me but thank you for degrading my thoughts and feelings to you’re beautiful.  There’s nothing more satisfying than that.

Infertile

Yep, another stigmatizing concept.  If the stress of calculating your cycle isn’t enough only to be told that you’re infertile.  And according to Webster dictionary: unable to reproduce. Yippee. I’m infertile.  Of course it’s me.  Why put women right on Clomid? Oh because making women who are already hormonal and already stressed out about the concept of adding more kids to their family and counting days, counting pills, taking care of potty training toddlers, etc.  Literally everything.  But you have to try 3 months of clomid before testing the guys and having it be their fault or even a 50/50 issue.. nope, it’s 100% mine right now.  Fanfreakingtastic.  More stress and oh, if you didn’t know: stress doesn’t help your cycle or getting pregnant.

Imbecile

Yep, that’s him.  The cop mentality, the lack of talking, the telling me I’m beautiful instead of understanding the warfare.  Rather, he looks at ovulation as strictly sex and schedules it like it’s a work meeting.  But to him, it’s not work.  Scheduling sex is a job.  Yep, regardless of what he says it is indeed a job.  How can someone make it fun, when it’s stressful with it never resulting in what you want?

If I can be honest here for a second: I honestly have no idea how it’s affecting him but on the flip side, I don’t care.  Is that terrible? Yes, it has to be terrible.  But it is what it is.  See, that’s the warfare talking, I’m sure.  I can’t honestly distinguish between the two anymore.  Is it bitterness? Is it the Clomid? Is it the new me? I mean the post-partum me sucked, I mean really was terrible.

So now what?…

What happens after 3 rounds of disappointment?  If I can barely handle the Clomid, what makes one so sure that someone can handle the fertility testing?  What does it entail? What does it do to women? What is the testing like for men?

I’m envisioning my husband not participating in the testing since he wasn’t too present in the couples counseling we did during my post-partum depression and trying to bounce back from delivery.  I don’t know.  Again, over analyzing.

Here’s to another day and another ovulation cycle.  Cheers folks!

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