Growing up you live on this premise of Happily Ever Afters and that everything is going to be fixed with a kiss and all is forgiven… then you get your first heartache, get it repaired once you find yourself & learn lessons from it & then you find “The One.” The end all-be all & you begin your life and miraculously things seem to be falling into place.
You have a full-time job (menial FT job BUT a ft job nonetheless), he’s got a full time job & has lessened up hours of never being home, you start a family, start a part time direct sales business, and then the world is flipped upside down. Welcome to my life. It’s April & this time 4 years ago we were just about to celebrate our first year anniversary & my husband’s maternal grandmother passed away (and we buried her the day before our anniversary). Then fast forward a few days & husband passes the physical test for the State Police on April 12th & BAM! 3 days later, you’re testing positive for a pregnancy.
Then finding out he made it through background the day you find out you’re having a girl, moving in with your in-laws, two baby showers, husband leaving for the academy, getting taken out of work a month before the baby is due because of high blood pressure and Pre-eclampsia being a possible issue, to then he misses the birth and then post partum depression hits hard. 6 weeks into the newborn stage, our daughter’s first hospitalization & then family counseling. Phew, that took you up to literally her first birthday. From April 2014 to December 2015. Isn’t that crazy?!
And in 2016 I tried another direct sales business only to see that fail like the first because I didn’t go on maternity leave. Then we talk baby number 2. Many miscarriages, many cycles that didn’t yield a baby, and then starting a new successful direct sales business. Now we have yet a third and final round of attempting Clomid BUT my dream of a 2018 baby is NOT happening and it’s disappointing since so many people around me are announcing pregnancies and here I am infertile still. But hey, what do I know?
The only good thing that has come of the infertility is the push in my selling of Norwex because I am determined to remain healthy as a horse so when I finally get pregnant, we are off to the right start. In March, I was in the top 3 of our team in sales. Overjoyed with that somehow I feel unfulfilled which isn’t smart enough on my end.
Being holistic and cleaning with water & using other safe issues (now I even COOK with Essential Oils!) I just want to make sure my body is filled with the proper nutrition. Yet, everything is failing me. Explain to me why you bust your tail to NOT get pregnant throughout your teen years & the moment you want them somehow you’re infertile. To those who are “Fertile Myrtles” I applaud you. Seriously, I would love to have to be careful with getting pregnant. But nope, not so lucky– but the first one was easy. Riddle me that!
So next up: fertility specialists. I am sure of it. Tell me, who has ever been through that? What am I setting myself up for?
But when will Hallmark movies NOT end with a kiss within the last 2 minutes of the movie? Every. Single. Movie. I love them but I hate them all at the same time because I feel like these movies were how my relationship was before marriage and engagement. I couldn’t get enough of my husband when we were dating, time apart hurt, and using the “love” word meant something. Yes, it still does don’t get your panties in a twist all! but now it’s just something I say, “Be safe tonight, love you” or “see you later, love you” or I hear “love you daddy, be safe”– does she understand love? Does he even appreciate it? Does he feel the same way or is it just something you say anymore? First true love is my husband, first love or what I thought was love toughened my skin enough to let me know what I wanted. I remember back when we started dating I really thought I didn’t deserve him. Isn’t that pathetic? The first “love” manipulated me into thinking I was never enough and I fell quick for my husband.. like really quick which scared me and I’m shocked didn’t scare him off. First love was just a thought and here we go again. Is this common, to get into such a rhythm and just sit on the couch on your phone and be engrossed in your group chats? Hmm, the more I think about everything Disney and Hallmark have set me up for unrealistic life goals both in being a princess (because it’s not happening!) and being wooed and romanced.
Well with that I bid you farewell for today. Once I wrap my head around the past week, I will bring you all up to speed about Easter holiday & all.
🙂 Thank you!